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I got a few hacksaw blades, and a measuring tape...

That's not what you told me on Tuesday...

OMFG. You are the KING of BAD DAD JOKES.

How many nickels? I'll check the piggy bank...

So...This is what you mean when you say you're a "Chick Magnet"?

People get the government they deserve...

I hate you. The future Ex-Wife didn't wear glasses for 20 years, had 20/15 vision and now she's buying readers that are stronger than my prescription...LMAO

He can wait on them to catch up...and have a latte!

Cesspool of the free world? There's only ONE? Well, let's see...First thing that jumps to mind is Newark, NJ. George Carlin used to say that if the World needed an enema, Newark is where they'd insert the hose... But wait...Cesspool is different than Asshole, so that's out. How about New...

Gotta see 'em to shoot em. I declared war on the squeeruls 8 years ago, and have killed so many with my .22 break-barrel pellet rifle that the kill notches have become a fully hand-checkered stock. But the fuckers keep coming, including FLYING squirrels that are only awake at night like fucking...

I'll forward my resume... Sounds like an opportunity for someone with a bucket...

Unfortunately, loyalty is no longer a virtue that is rewarded. Ask any divorce lawyer...

I’m 1.25 and 1.5, but with diagonal astigmatism, so no matter how decent my vision is, everything’s blurry without glasses. I hate contacts.

Ok. Found this at the local store, gonna see if it’s any good. I’m in one of those rare ‘beer’ moods. Aaaaanndd..... HOLY FUCKING SHIT THATS NASTY

Aren’t you just a tad bit from legally blind?

Dammit. I have cats, outside only. Gonna have to find something that’ll be ok for cats, but maybe repels squirrels?? One died in an impossible to reach area of my attic and holy hell, that stank for weeks.

Are they named Bacon and Pork Chop? if not, they should be!!

THAT IS WAAAYY COOOL!!!!! Where’d you find that?

YES. Glock is selling them through distributors all over the place. smart-ass face.....wait, did I just say I have an ass-face??? FML

Well, I do try to keep my novels here short, and certainly @Grunk is a smarter man (and arguably more handsome, but that's a different story), but I've been caught impersonating someone who knows how to assemble words...on occasion.