Beer and The Wheel

erkinator

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Jul 1, 2015
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#1
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to irritate the crap out of more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message.
 
Mar 23, 2015
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#4
I can just feel @Laufen fiercely typing up an argument right now about the beer lol
To me it sounds like conservatives have poor business acumen, are dumb, are closet misogynists, and have poor taste in food and beer. I’m surprised this hasn’t been more disputed.

To top it off, the animal mascot of this politcal identity is a big, fat lumbering land animal that lacks the ability to keep itself from going extinct without aid from the worlds federal governments.

Sheesh, talk about a scathing review.
 
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Tedkennedy

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#8
To me it sounds like conservatives have poor business acumen, are dumb, are closet misogynists, and have poor taste in food and beer. I’m surprised this hasn’t been more disputed.

To top it off, the animal mascot of this politcal identity is a big, fat lumbering land animal that lacks the ability to keep itself from going extinct without aid from the worlds federal governments.

Sheesh, talk about a scathing review.
Why dignify such claims by disputing such?
"Conservatives" are just the flip side of left wingers, anyway. Mostly guys with beer guts that try to keep their wives happy by buying them pretty stuff. Wives actually stay happy by getting banged by Julio the yard guy, who is decidedly not conservative.

Libertarians are still killing stuff, feeding their families, satisfying their women, and just want to be left alone. Don't need "conservatives" to legislate rules to keep them "safe" and don't want left-wingers to legislate theft to pay for those that won't or can't take care of business.

Too few Libertarians to sway the rest of the population, which is OK, both other groups are afraid of real freedom.